Ranma's Worst Nightmare
by Draconian Elflord
Summary: Ranma is getting pretty annoyed withbeing Tree Kettle Girl. But does he know how Kuno respond to the big news? He'll be cool about it, right? Not in my fanfiction! Humourous shonen-ai coming your way! Insanity abounds. Please RR, don't be cruel.


Elflord: Don't own Ranma. Don't own Ranma characters. Don't own Ranma episodes. Don't own Ranma anything And honestly, I'm glad I don't. That'd just be too weird.  
  
Okay, one thing before we get started. I say this before every fic I write. While I don't ever fully discard a plot, and generally I stick to it, but I don't feel obligated to follow it by the book. Please don't flame me for plot reasons.  
  
Oh, and a few more things. Watch out for an OOC Kuno and some shonen-ai . . . don't be scared, it's not that bad. This is one of my first attempts at comedy, and I think I did a pretty good job.  
  
Well, enough of my yammers. On with the fic!  
  
Ranma's Worst Nightmare  
  
* * *  
  
'I love you. I would date with you. I love you. I would date with you. I love you. I would date with you. I love . . .'  
  
"No!" Ranma shrieked, trying desperately to remove himself form an unseemly bathtub doom with Tatewaki Kuno. "NO! I'm a boy!" Suddenly, he found the world whirling away, down like a giant bathtub plug pulled out.  
  
The school swimming pool . . . No! Not cold water! Anything but cold water! But it was inescapable. Panicked, he tired his best to hide the curse, but simply did not have enough hands for it. He was sinking, sinking, down, down, down. Where was he going.  
  
Down there, at the bottom . . .he'd just wait until no one was around, and then he'd find a way out of here.  
  
But that wasn't all...  
  
One, two . . . three Tatewaki Kunos? All circling around. 'I love you. I would date with you. I love you. I would date with you. I love you. I would date with you. I love . . .'  
  
* * *  
  
"AHHHHHH!" He woke with a start, dripping with sweat, heart beating like thunder in his ears. Slowly, ever so slowly, his breath began to regain its normal tempo, and he began to untangle himself from the web of sweat-dampened sheets.  
  
A dream. It was a dream . . . a nightmare, the worst nightmare that ever plagued Ranma Saotome in all of sixteen years. He'd had this nightmare every night from the past two weeks, and still, as vivid as ever.  
  
It still blew his mind, this damned situation. Tatewaki Kuno . . . biggest man and biggest idiot on campus . . . fallen in love with this . . . this . . . this "tree-borne kettle girl" of his.  
  
It was sickening to think . . . what kind of dreams Kuno might be having concerning the situation . . .  
  
Ranma grabbed his head, sighing. His head was throbbing, throbbing, that chant always in his ears . . . 'I love you. I would date you. I love you . . .' It was madness. This couldn't go on. After all, Genma was training him harder than ever lately. After being shamed so by Ranma's curse, he seemed to be trying desperately to prove that his son was still the best fighter in Japan.  
  
Which, as they'd learned of late, wasn't particularly true . . .  
  
He glanced over at the digital clock aside of him. Sigh. Normal teenage boys should not have to worry about questioning their sexuality confusions at three in the morning.  
  
'That's it,' he thought to himself, crawling off to an hour more of sleep before his father would kick him out of bed at dawn. 'Today, I get that jerk off my back . . . literally.'  
  
* * *  
  
"What's wrong with you today?" Akane asked after fetching their second bucket that morning of hot water from Dr. Tofu's clinic. "You're not even looking where you're going. I would've thought you learn how to avoid that old woman by now."  
  
"Feh, you wouldn't understand," he looked up and down the street to see that no one was coming and reversed the curse, wiping his hair dry. "I've got something on my mind, is all," he smirked at her. He loved the way she looked when she was annoyed. "Uncute girls like you don't know anything."  
  
Death glare. Immediately, a block of ice fell into his stomach. Thank God she didn't know it, but she was just about the only person in the world that could really frighten him.  
  
"Oh . . . so I don't know anything, then . . . ?" she was plotting something, he knew it.  
  
"Akane . . . don't-"  
  
" I don't know anything, eh?" She picked up the forgotten bucket and knelt down next to the street.  
  
Ranma gulped. The little old lady washing the street. . . right down the street . . . into the gutter . . .  
  
"Oh . . . then I guess I don't know . . . what this will do!"  
  
SPLASH!  
  
"AKANE!" he spluttered, his body transforming once again. "Oooooh . . ." sometimes she just made him so mad, he could hardly speak " . . . I don't have time to deal with this today."  
  
"Deal with what?" she demanded, handing the she-Ranma "her" bag as they hurried to get to school in time. "What are you up to this time?"  
  
"None of your business, Macho!" he motioned for her to be silent as he set his eyes on a street side café on their way to school. With a speed hardly anyone could see, he was just able to swipe a decanter of steaming water from one of the tables, and keep running past without anyone noticing anything  
  
"Ranma!" Akane cried, trying her best to keep up in her school shoes. "You can't do that!"  
  
"Oh?" he turned around, running backwards so he could talk. "And why?"  
  
"Why?!?" her face was getting red again. "Because it's *puff* stealing!"  
  
"Stealing, shmealing, they'd understand," he reversed the curse while no one was watching and was still able to keep out of Akane's grasp. "That is, if they could get over the shock . . . of a handsome guy hanging around an uncute girl like you."  
  
That was it. Ranma watched in some mild horror as Akane's face went from red to mauve to a rich plum. Thankfully, she was so mad she couldn't speak, and the rest of the trip to school went by with some general normalcy.  
  
If you could call any of it normalcy.  
  
* * *  
  
"Enslaver of women!"  
  
"Stop calling me that!" he easily dodged the crashing blow thrown by the infuriated upperclassman. Kuno was strong, okay, but he was slower than all hell. It was hardly a challenge. Actually, it was starting to get pretty boring. "Isn't your fight with Akane anyway?"  
  
"RANMA!"  
  
"Oh, c'mon," he called down to her far below the wall on which they were fighting. "You know it's true."  
  
Death glare. He decided to put his attention again on taking the stupid junior down. It was better than having to look at her.  
  
"Tell me where the Kettle girl is!" Kuno screamed, his face full of rage, swinging his Kendo stick as if to crush his skull, which he easily dodge. "If you hurt one delicate hair on her precious little head I'll . . ."  
  
"You'll what, Kuno?" he asked, laughing, dodging out of the way of yet another ill-placed attack. "You couldn't hit me if you tried!" Kuno's face went red as a beet. "It's UPPERCLASSMAN Tatewaki Kuno, you insolent rat!"  
  
"Woooow, Kuno," he drawled sarcastically. "Now that's what I call creative. Next time, you should think of adding a 'your highness'. Or no! Wait! Even better! 'Upperclassmen Tatewaki Kuno your majesty!'"  
  
WHISH! That one came close, but it didn't even tear his clothes. Let's face it. As long as they stayed up here in the air, Kuno was disadvantaged.  
  
Like he could actually hit him in real life anyway . . .  
  
On and on and on and on . . . it was boring, just dodging one bad attack after another. It was stupid, and besides, it wasn't his style, running away.  
  
"Hey, Kuno," he called down to him, glancing through the trees as he sent himself sailing. "Don't you think we should put this off to tomorrow?"  
  
"UNACCEPTABLE!" Kuno landed on the grounded with, by some surprise, some actual grace, still bearing his Kendo menacingly. "Tell me where you have the sweet Kettle girl hostage!"  
  
That was it. Ranma had had enough. It was time to put the "Get-the-idiot- off-my-back-forever-technique" into play.  
  
"Hostage?!?" Ranma couldn't believe his ears. "HOSTAGE? Do I look like I 'hostage' kind of guy to you?"  
  
"None of your games, Saotome!" Glare. "Tell me where she is!"  
  
"YOU IDIOT!" Ranma bounced high into the air, coming tumbling down on Kuno. "I'M KETTLE GIRL!"  
  
Blink, blink.  
  
For several seconds, Tatewaki Kuno stood, as if affixed there. He stood there, long after Ranma landed a nice-ass punch in his face. Slowly, the Kendo stick, flooded with sweat, fell from his slackened hands, landing with a clatter on the pavement. His face was a mesh of colors, all very pale, but blotchy, like poorly mixed oatmeal.  
  
For a few seconds, it seemed as though the cogs of Kuno's mind had literally stopped in their tracks.  
  
"Kuno?" Ranma crept up to him slowly. "Are you o.k.?"  
  
"Well, now you've done it," Akane strode, nose in the air, a pile of her own defeated behind her. "He's not o.k. he's K.O."  
  
"Hey, I didn't do anything!" Ranma shouted. "He just . . . froze up or something."  
  
"I guess uncute girls have their use after all," she started rolling up her sleeves. "Dr. Tofu showed me the restart button."  
  
Eyebrow raise. "The restart button?"  
  
"Stand back and watch a pro." Slowly, she crept up to the frozen upperclassman, took a deep breath, and . . .  
  
"KUUUUUUUNOOOOOOO!"  
  
Snap.  
  
"Infidel!" As if a rubber band had snapped Kuno back into consciousness. He grabbed Ranma's shoulders and shook him. "How dare you claim the Tree-Borne Kettle Girl? You will pay, Saotome!"  
  
"Well, that's what I call a restart button," he said calmly. "Now what am I supposed to do?"  
  
"YOU WILL LISTEN WHEN UPPERCLASSMAN KUNO SPEAKS, SAOTOME!" Kuno was purple with rage. "You will release the Tree-Borne Kettle Girl!"  
  
"You idiot!"  
  
Ranma was practically pulling his hair out. This was it. This was the last straw. Here and now, Tatewaki Kuno was out of his life . . . forever.  
  
"Fool, I AM the Tree-Borne Kettle Girl!" Now the story would come out. His voice came very fast. "Last summer, my father and I were training in China in a training filed over a series of cursed springs. But Genma doesn't know Chinese, so we had no idea it was cursed. While we were training, I fell into one of the cursed springs. Now, I carry the curse of a girl who drowned there. Now, whenever I come into contact with cold water, I transform into a female's form, and the only way to reverse is hot water, which changes me back to normal. On the day I fought with you, during first period, we jumped out the window and landed in the swimming pool. I became my girl form and didn't want you to find out, so I used a diversionary tactic to get away quickly. While soundly beating your ass, I might say, but that's beside the point. Not having access to hot water, I hid myself in a tree. Akane brought me water at the very moment that you showed up. I didn't want to reveal my secret in front of an idiot like you, so I remained in girl form, but eventually falling out of the tree, thus your idiotic nickname Tree-Borne Kettle Girl. "Do you now see? I am not keeping Tree-Borne Kettle Girl hostage. I am not keeping Tree-Borne Kettle Girl anywhere. I AM Tree-Borne Kettle Girl! But you had to screw everything up having the I.Q of a peanut!"  
  
Blink, blink.  
  
Tatewaki Kuno stood shocked, still and blinking.  
  
"Kuno?" Akane asked. "Do you need to be restarted again?"  
  
"Saotome. . . Kettle Girl . . . the same?" Kuno murmured under his breath.  
  
"I think he's finally got it," Ranma patted him on the shoulder, grinning nervously. "Now I think it's better off if we all just got to class and . . ."  
  
Stop. Kuno held out an arm to stop him.  
  
"Err . . . what is it?" he asked.  
  
The expression on Tatewaki Kuno's face was an odd one, one that did not reveal anything about the inner workings of his feeble little mind. It looked as though the tiny little cogs in his hollow head were working at full blast with all their might.  
  
Ranma gulped. This was not going off how he'd planned. Kuno was supposed to try and beat him up or something, fail, and their lives move on. But now he was confused.  
  
What exactly did Tatewaki Kuno have in mind ? . . .  
  
"THIS IS GREAT!!!" Kuno exclaimed so loudly that it seemed like every student on campus temporarily turn their eyes their way. "Thank you Saotome!" the oversized upperclassman hugged a very bewildered Ranma.  
  
"Wh-what's so great, Kuno?"  
  
"Oh, Ranma-sama, it has been just awful living like this!" the Kendo Club president was close to tears, still clutching an increasingly uncomfortable Ranma. "Oh, thank Kami the world can finally know my secret! I'll never be in the shadow again!"  
  
A look of pure terror came over the face of Ranma Saotome.  
  
"Your secret?!?"  
  
"It's been terrible, Ranma-sama!" sobbed the baka "so terrible, living with this always in my heart. But now I have nothing to hide. THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH ME!!!" Desperately, the exasperated teenager looked to his bride-to-be for help, but she was just staring, mouth open, unable to believe what she was hearing. Taking their silence for acceptance, Tatewaki the idiot continued his monologue.  
  
"For years, I never knew what was wrong with me. Why should I feel this for boys as well as girls? I didn't understand. I thought it was wrong, and I knew that no one would be able to ever understand. But I had faith, Ranma- sama, I persevered that someone would find me, save me from my black fate, to take me from the darkness of misconception and damnation into the light of acceptance and love."  
  
Ranma's eyes went as large as dinner plates. Struggling, he tried any way to separate himself and the blubbering, idiotic and now bisexual Tatewaki Kuno, but surprisingly failed.  
  
"I've been so lonely, Ranma! But at last I've found you," he blubbered. "And Akane, of course," he seemed to remember the girl he'd been swooning over for a year now. "Oh, Ranma, this is wonderful," he hugged the frantic teenager even closer. "Now, we can all be happy together!!"  
  
"WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?"  
  
"Warm water, cold water . . . who cares? Boy or girl, Saotome I've always found you lovely . . . and particularly beautiful, too," he turned to Akane now. "No, offense, Akane, I think you are lovely too. But honestly, Kettle Girl looks a lot better. But it's all okay, really. It's alright with me if the two of you get married. Just be sure to invite me over for fun from time to time. You two don't have a problem sharing, do you?"  
  
Silence. Akane stood, mouth agape, unable to speak. Ranma was unable to move, his arms limp. He looked like he was going to be sick. Kuno took this to be an acceptance of his insanities.  
  
"Well, it's settled then!" he pulled Akane into the hug as well. "Oh, I know, I know, we'll be so happy together. And why shouldn't you be? You get to be the lovers of Upperclassman Tatewaki Kuno! Well, you should probably get to class." He finally let them both go. "Bye, Akane-sama," Kuno bowed deeply . . . "Bye . . . Ranma." He gave him a big, pseudo-flirtatious wink.  
  
For a minute, it seemed as though Ranma himself might need a restart button. His face was blank and expressionless, save for a large and very noticeable tic in his left eye. His arms were slack, and his face was pale, as if there was something behind it sucking the blood away.  
  
"Ranma?" Akane asked. "Do you need the restart button?"  
  
No answer.  
  
"RAAAAAANMAAAAAA!"  
  
"AAAAHHHH!" Before anyone could stop him, the insanified teenager tore off at top speeds, screaming bloody murder like there was no tomorrow. Within a few seconds, he had made his way out the gate and down the street, and then, out of sight. "AAAAAAHHHH!"  
  
For a second or two, it seemed as though everyone on campus was in need of a restart button. Not surprisingly, the only person who could break this spell was none other than the biggest man and biggest idiot on campus himself.  
  
Kuno sighed to himself. "Ahh, new love. It's always associated with such drama. I only hope it can all work out."  
  
Akane turned to him, her face still agape, and finally said what she had wanted to say from the day she met Tatewaki Kuno.  
  
"Tell me . . . did you lose your brain in an accident, or were you born like this?"  
  
It was two periods later, and no one had seen a sign of Ranma again. After seeing his name passed by once on the roll sheet, Akane had realized that, in fact, she had never seen Ranma come back. By the second time it was passed by on the roll, she was starting to get worried.  
  
"Nabiki, have you see Ranma around?" she asked her sister when she saw her with her pack of popular girls. "I can't seem to find him today."  
  
"He's your boyfriend," Nabiki glared at her. She was always very annoyed whenever Akane talked to her in front of her "friends." "How should I know where's he's hiding?"  
  
Though she hated to admit it, Akane was getting worried. If Ranma wasn't at school . . . where was he?  
  
* * *  
Genma was just getting home from Tofu's office to take his lunch. It wasn't easy for a panda to be kept inside half the day. They need fresh air, and more importantly, fresh food. Though it was rather demeaning for a man to always be a panda, but Tofu always insisted they needed all the hot water for the patients. Which was rather noble, if you really thought about it, but it did make for a hassle sometimes. People were often a little surprised to see a panda bear working in the clinic, and frankly, he couldn't blame them.  
  
He was just pawing his way on back to the backyard. It was not until he was just pushing the sliding doors open with his snout that the sound came to his sensitive panda ears.  
  
"La la la la la . . . girls and boys, boys and girls . . . who cares, who cares, who cares? *splash, splash*" the voice sang on and on. Genma sniffled at the air. Who would be here, right in the middle of the day? The only one who was usually around was Kasumi, and she had errands to run to day. He snuffed again, really trying. It was funny, but it almost smelled like . . . but no, that couldn't be. He was at school right now, no doubt still making more trouble.  
  
Genma growled. What was he going to do with that boy? It seemed no matter what he did, it just couldn't right that boy. With a short sigh, he shoved his snout under the door and eased it the rest of the way open.  
  
His jaw dropped. If he had been able to talk, he would have yelled "What's the meaning of this?!?" He could feel blood rush under his white furry face. It didn't make sense. Why? Why???  
  
Out the surface of the koi pond, a lovely red headed girl surfaced. But from her expression, she was not feeling quite as lovely as she looked. Genma immediately recognized "her" as his one and only teenage son, Ranma. But somehow, Ranma did not even notice the presence of a familiar five hundred pound panda in the yard. Immediately, "she" leapt out of the water, turned three times twirling on the ground, singing the next lyrics to the sing-song, and burst into the hot-bath. A handsome, black-haired boy surfaced in time from this, who immediately leapt out again, preformed a very fast, disorganized and complicated kata, continuing the bars, and then flung himself back again to the pond.  
  
"Ranma!" he shouted, finally managing to get splashed as red headed girl flew in the hot-bath again, his face red with rage. "What in the seven hells are you doing? Why aren't you in school?"  
  
Ranma turned, surprised, a look of shock upon his face. Then, with a strange little smile, he went on with his song, dancing in circles.  
  
"Boys and girls, girls and boys, what does it matter, what does it matter, we all got him, we all got love."  
  
"What? What's the matter with you? You damned fool!" Genma shouted, very much like a panda even in his human form, watching his own son dance around the pond doing backflips. "Quit this foolishness now! I mean it, boy!"  
  
"That's it!" Ranma exclaimed, throwing his arms around his father, his eyes shining madly. "Who cares if I'm a boy or a girl? We all love each other!!!"  
  
"Shut up!" he threw his son away from him, shaking with rage. "What are you talking about? You're not making sense! What's wrong with you, boy?"  
  
"What's wrong with me? What's wrong with you, father?" he cried, jumping into the pond again and changing into girl form. "See? There's nothing wrong with us! WE'RE ALL HAPPY!" "she" began twirling again, around and around and around. "THERE'S ROOM FOR US ALL! THERE'S ROOM!"  
  
"Room for whom? You're talking crazy!" he finally was able to grab "her". If he'd been angry before, he was furious now. "What on earth has happened to you? Room for whom?"  
  
With a very frightening look, "she" stared at him, "her" eyes full and alive with insanity.  
  
"Kuno, Kuno, WE LOVE KUNO!" "she" let out with a wail, dancing around and around the pond while chanting. "Kuno, Kuno, WE ALL LOVE KUNO!"  
  
"Who the hell is Kuno? Ranma, if this is another one of your-"  
  
"I'm not Ranma," Ranma gasped, suddenly speaking very fast. "MynameisTreeKettlegirlandI'magirlandIloveUpperclassmanTatewakiKuno!"  
  
[Translation: "My name is Tree Kettle girl and I'm a girl and I love Upperclassman Tatewaki Kuno!"]  
  
And with that, "Tree Kettle girl" burst over the fence, dancing and singing "I LOVE TATEWAKI KUNO! WE ALL LOVE TATEWAKI KUNO!" all over the neighborhood.  
  
Genma shook his head, sighing. "I just don't know where I went wrong with that boy . . ."  
  
THE END 


End file.
